How’s It Going? Four Tips To Conquer Your Fear Of Feedback

(originally appearing on Forbes.com)

The return to office is in full swing and with it has come a return to face-to-face interactions. For many of us who’ve grown comfortable with our screen-mediated, athleisure-clad and often-asynchronous interactions, it has come with some serious anxiety. Both corporate and coaching clients say that one of the biggest stress-inducing situations is having to tell someone, in person, that things aren’t going well.

Giving feedback has always been challenging, especially when it involves something that went wrong. While challenging to give, and often just as challenging to receive, feedback is critical to growth and fuels performance. In more than 50 years of studying goal setting and achievement in organizations, legendary organizational scientists Locke and Latham have identified feedback as a crucial element of success. And the more frequent the feedback, the better the results. Like signage on the highway, feedback provides critical data on the journey to our goals—how far we’ve come, how many miles we have to go and when we might want to exit and take another route.

A 2021 study by Gallup found that employees who received meaningful feedback in the past week were nearly four times more likely to report being engaged than those who had not. Those who received feedback daily were almost four times more motivated to do outstanding work than those who only got feedback at annual performance reviews.

So now that we’re back in the office and have to look each other in the eye when we have difficult conversations, how can we leverage feedback as a tool to improve, rather than strain, relationships? Here are a few tips:

1. Give it systematically.

One stress around feedback is that we’re often delivering it to people who may not expect it. Surprise can lead to defensiveness, something we all desperately want to avoid. One reason feedback can feel difficult to deliver is that it happens so rarely. If discussion only occurs when something crucial has gone wrong, people will not want to speak up and participate. Building feedback sessions into the calendar both prepares people for receiving it and also makes it a normal part of working together rather than a rare and nerve-wracking event. 15Five, a company that provides performance management software designed around evidence-based practices, encourages managers to foster an environment of continuous feedback. When there is a regular conversation about how things are going, small adjustments are made every day that keep everyone on track.

2. Give it specificity.

There’s nothing more likely to raise someone’s defenses than starting feedback with superlatives, such as “You always…” or “You never…” Focusing on a perceived trend makes feedback feel like a judgment of someone’s character. Instead of hearing that they did something wrong, people hear that they are wrong. Similarly, superlatives often creep into our assessment of the impact of someone’s mistake. Using phrases like “Everyone thought…” or “The client will never…” usually exaggerate the true reality and destroy the credibility of the feedback, rendering it ineffective and even counterproductive. Using a model, such as Situation-Behavior-Impact, helps keep feedback focused on a specific situation and the verifiable impact it had. There’s no guarantee this will keep someone from getting defensive, but it’s less likely to happen and more likely the recipient will take on the feedback.

3. Give it soon.

The shelf life of feedback is short. Telling a colleague about a mistake in the presentation they gave last month doesn’t help anyone. Hopefully, you’ve developed a system of giving feedback regularly. If there’s not a structure in place already, make sure you deliver feedback in a timely manner. Research suggests that the sooner people receive feedback, the more effective it is for their learning.

4. Give it supportively.

Feedback must be given with the intention of helping someone learn and improve. Following your feedback with an offer of support will minimize defensiveness and send the message that your intentions are positive. Effective feedback can actually build trust and confidence on both sides. It can be an opportunity to deepen relationships when both parties engage to find a solution together.

Although it can cause anxiety, returning to office and face-to-face interactions can actually make feedback easier. Ultimately, feedback is the fertilizer of growth and the foundation of authentic relationships.